"You _____ know ____ to _______."

The stage is set for whatever environment comes to mind when you read the word, "you."

5 people (2 women, 3 men) run across the stage screaming and waving their arms.

They run the other way.

They run center, stop, look at the audience.

They scream and run upstage, destroying whatever set exits. They scurry to whatever end of the theater they can find.

Voice.
Andy, Alan, Amy, Andrea, Albatross. Please come down stage.

All.
No!

They scatter somewhere else.

Andy.
We don't -

Amy.
want to -

Andrea.
do it!

All.
We won't!

Voice.
Andy, Alan, Amy, Andrea, Albatross. Why not?

They all look at Albotross.

Albatross. He does not speak the parantheticals.
I don't (know the) words (to this) part.

The lights change. Andy and Amy begin a new scene from where they are, but their tone is reflective of the scene they speak.

Amy.
I had a great time last night.

Andy.
Me too. You were - a lot - like - felt.

Amy.
What?

Andy.
Felt. You remind me of felt.

Amy.
Pardon? I don't comprehend. How is it that I remind you - of felt?

Andy.
I don't know - but you do. It's a feeling I have. About you. And felt.

Albatross runs to the center.

Voice.
Albatross are you ready?

Albotross.
I'm not sure - Yes. I mean yes. If I say yes and mean yes then yes, I'll be ready. I'm fine. Let's go.

Voice.
Alright. Begin.

Albatross walks offstage.

Albatross. from offstage.
And then I enter.

Andrea and Alan begin to toss something breakable between themselves.

Alan.
I toss it to you.

Andrea.
And back to you!

Alan.
For you!

Andrea.
And you!

Alan.
Play. Within a play?

Andrea.
Play within a play!

Before Andrea tosses back the breakable item, Alan begins to play jacks on the floor. She throws the item and it hits the floor. Hopefully, it breaks as well. If not, Andrea picks it up and drops it while staring at Alan, who continues to play jacks until Andrea's next line. Actually, even if it breaks, Andrea should pick up a big piece and drop it again, to break it more.

Andrea.
What the fuck? That fucking fuck shit was mine! I trusted you! I fucking gave you that to catch! What the fuck are you doing?

Alan.
I thought (he gestures to the jacks) play within a play.

Andrea.
No! Not what I meant! Not what I meant at all!

Alan.
I -

Voice.
Albatross.

Albatross. (still offstage)
Yeah?

Voice.
Now, please.

Albotross.
Ok. (he runs across the stage, and yells) Diana-the-first-time-I-laid-eyes-on-you-I-

Amy and Andrea walk on stage. Andrea slumps her shoulders and looks feeble. Amy puts a finger above her upper lip and her fist in her pants.

Amy.
I want you to fly.

Andrea.
Ok.

Andrea hops.

Amy.
Longer.

Andrea.
Alright.

Andrea jumps.

Amy.
More. Higher. Faster.

Andrea attempts to accomplish this task.

Amy.
Yeah. This isn't going to work out.

Andrea.
I'm doing my best. Flying is hard your first time.

Amy removes her hand from her pants and slaps Andrea. She puts it back.

Amy.
I'll just have someone else do it. It's fine. Cross it off the list of things I'll ask you to do for me.

pause.

Amy.
Amy stands and stares at Andrea, waiting.

Andrea.
Andrea looks at Amy, with some disbelief.

Amy.
Amy looks back at Andrea. Expectantly. She might furrow her brow. The actress should remember to keep her finger above her lip to signify a mustache and her fist in her pants to signify something else.

Andrea.
Reluctantly, Andrea takes out a notepad and pen. She opens it to a page with a list on it. The list has a series of tasks one might ask another to do. She stares at the list.

Amy.
Amy continues to watch Andrea look at the list.

Andrea.
She prolongs the moment by pretending to to scan for the word "fly."

Amy.
She struggles to remain patient, but patience wins over impatience while waiting for Andrea.

Andrea.
She flips back a page and really "looks" for the word "fly." She looks up and shrugs as if to say, "Maybe it's not here? Maybe flying isn't a task on your list of things you can ask me to do. Maybe I'm not supposed to fly."

Amy.
She says, "Oh that's it!" and takes the notepad. She says, "You can't even get that?!" She crosses things off the list of things to ask Andrea to do. The actor should make sure to cross off fly first, then cross off "cross things off that Amy says to cross off regardless of completion." And she should do it, with bravado. She then finds someone new to give the list of things she can ask him or her to do to give the list to. And she gives it to him or her. Perhaps an intern. Amy then grows old and bald and unhappy.

Andrea.
Loses a little bit of faith in humanity and supervisors.

Amy.
Loses a little bit of faith in patience and people recently out of college.

Voice.
Albotross!

Albatross.
My name is spelled two different ways in the script.

All.
He wrote it frantically on the (sound of a subway)! Then he had to (sounds of a cash register, feet walking quickly, keys, a door opening) so he could (a sigh and a flush of a toilet) only to (a bottle opening and the sound of typing). Give him a break, alright?

The lights change. Albatross stays in his place and watches. The other actors walk to preset brooms, dust pans and/or garbage cans. They proceed to clean the mess from before. They do it at a normal, unhurried pace. It might be described as methodical. It could really only be methodical if the cast did it day after day, and this play is too short to be performed that much. The actors put away their cleaning tools and stay offstage. The lights change to a full wash. They run back to the stage. They say the following as if the first to finish will win ten dollars; the next: 6; the next, 3; and the last one gets punched in the back.

Andy, Alan, Amy, Andrea.
As a child I was raised to think I was special. Apart from what I knew was bullshit. I knew I was special because I knew being told I was special was bullshit. Bullshit. I did remarkably well in some classes, poorly or just ok in others. And I had my sights on what I could be. Which is a part, but not all of what you're seeing now. I know "no" meant yes, but only if I did the puzzle right. If I begged or outwitted the no, it would change. But often I opted not to do the puzzle unless it was absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely necessary or I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really wanted it and knew nobody else would feel bad if they didn't get it. Because I feel sympathy or empathy for those who lose.

They repeat the last line until all have said it together five times. They then exhale, quickly, through their mouths five times in unison and rhythm. They all fall on their backs.

Alan.
Perhaps, this thought crippled me in some ways.

Albatross.
I've met a Diana before. I don't even remember what she looks like. I'd like to pretend there was a track meet - maybe she was blond. Maybe we didn't meet. I think she lived in a trailer. That might be a different person. I don't think I'm thinking of the right person. What led to this was my childhood. As a child I -

A different voice from before interrupts him and begins reading the evening's program aloud. As Albatross tries to compete with the voice, many more voices are added and the noise gets louder. At the peak of Albatross trying to compete, the lights fade and everything stops.

Ride Share.

Two chairs next to each other. A man and a woman, in their twenties, sit next to each other.

SHE.
I'm Jane.

HE.
Roger.

SHE.
she laughs. And what's your name?

HE.
Not understanding what was funny. Roger?

SHE.
Oh. Nice to meet you.

HE.
Me too.

She pulls out a magazine. He pulls out a book. He is reading something he just picked up from an airport, or impulsively bought from the bargain bin in a bookstore. They sit quietly for a moment, look at each other when the other isn't and read.

HE.
What are you doing in town?

SHE.
Visiting family.

HE.
Oh. Me too.

pause.

SHE.
Do you have family around here?

HE.
No. We just planned to meet here since it was closest to all of us.

SHE.
Where are you from?

HE.
New York, well.. New Jersey, but I work in New York.

pause.

HE.
Are you from around here?

SHE.
Oh - no. We're from Massachusetts. My friend, well - college roommate is getting married. It sounds cliche, I know.

HE.
laughs in agreement. Still being friendly, albeit, somewhat alienating: It does.

pause.

HE.
How is your magazine?

SHE.
Oh, you know.

HE.
Is that a celebrity one? Or a health one?

SHE.
Both. Mostly movie stars and what not.

HE.
Oh. Is that what you do -

SHE.
I'd like to. What I really want - is to be an artist.

HE.
oh?

SHE.
Yeah - but not with paints or sculpture or anything like that. Well - Maybe a little.

HE.
Yeah?

SHE.
I want to make things like parties or events. I want to create an overall something that will be called art. I want people to have the overall experience, but I want sculptures to be there. And paintings and music. And theater or performance.

HE.
You studied all this in school?

SHE.
I was a business major -

HE.
-oh-

SHE.
but that doesn't mean I can't do those things - it means I'm coming from a fresh perspective - like.. I .. I have never been to Rome - but I've seen commercials and advertisements for the TV show. What if I created a performance based on that? Without any preconceived notions on how Rome should be.

HE.
so - historical fiction?

SHE.
Yes - no. Reality fiction.. nonfiction.

HE.
Reality ff-

SHE.
Reality fiction nonfiction. It's based on something that is or was real - so it's reality; it's not what actually happened, so it's fiction; but it's nonfiction in that it's not about what happened so much as what's happening in the moment. The art is my collected experiences of what has been presented to me by our culture on Rome. Or whatever.

HE.
So would you do research?

SHE.
No. That goes against what I'm doing. No research, it's what about what I know, right now.

HE.
So you're ignorance on a subject prop-

SHE.
Will let me be free to create - share new perspectives - like - did you know Romans used gliders during wartime?

HE.
Really?

SHE.
I don't know! Maybe? Even if they didn't, imagine what kinds of questions presenting that would bring up.

HE.
Wow. That's really - interesting. The most creative I get is figuring out how to be a little thrifty here and there. I went to the store on my lunch break the other day and spent the whole hour trying to spend as little as possible. It was like a challenge to myself, to see how well I could do.

SHE.
And?

HE.
I spent three dollars, one stick of deodorant and two small notebooks. Each was ninety nine cents.

SHE.
Ninety nine cents on deodorant - it probably doesn't work very well.

HE.
Well - it had similar ingredients to one of the more expensive brands. It does work, I think. Well - you tell me, does it?

He begins to lift his arm - she pulls away, grimacing - he stops.

HE.
- I think it does, at least.

SHE.
And the notebooks? How are those?

HE.
They are great. One is for balancing my checkbook and cash - it has the spiral at the top and the other is for writing down my math ideas.

SHE.
Math ideas?

HE.
Ideas about how I can apply my interest in mathematics to every day life situations. And show stuff about people through it - there are a few of them written already -

He pulls out a notebook from his back pocket, the spiral is on the side. On the front it has a number sign. He flips it open.

HE.
There's one about going to live music concerts when you're under 18 as a way to get more time for necking and spend less money than a date to the movies, another about train times, OH and one I have called BM-NYC.

SHE.
BM-NYC?

HE.
Let's say the average New Yorker, who takes the subway to work has to walk up about 30 stairs a day. Now, when you go up stairs on a busy day - you can't help but have someone's - um - in your - face. Their... backside.

SHE.
Ok.

HE.
And most full-time employed New Yorkers take the subway during high-traffic hours, right?

SHE.
I've never been, I don't know.

HE.
So - the average subway traveling full time employed New Yorker walks up about thirty stairs every day, or, one hundred fifty in a five day workweek with someones - uh

At the same time, overlapping.

HE.
Backside.

SHE.
Ass.

HE.
- in his or her face approximately fifty weeks a year.

SHE.
Aren't there fifty four weeks?

HE.
Well - no, there are fifty-two, but after accounting for one week of vacation and other holidays, aside from it being easier to explain with round numbers, we can say fifty.

SHE.
What do you do?

HE.
Data entry - So that's seven thousand five hundred steps a year with your face in close proximity with a stranger's backside. Time wise, if it takes three fourths of a second to take each step -

SHE.
Three fourths?

HE.
Point seven five, or seventy five hundredths. If that's how long each step takes - then each year that New Yorker spends about five thousand six hundred twenty five seconds or approximately ninety four minutes looking directly at the business end of stranger.

SHE.
The film Thumbsucker is that long.

HE.
innocently, as if he's surprised.
Is it?

SHE.
Your story reminded me of it.

HE.
Oh. Good. Do you like movies?

SHE.
I do.

HE.
Do you get to go out and see movies at the theater often?

SHE.
I do. But not often - usually when I go it's because they're showing an indie film or something. The big theaters near me get them every couple of months.

HE.
Like what have you gone to see?

SHE.
Do you know film well?

HE.
I - thought I did, but now you're making me doubt myself.

SHE.
So you do? Or you don't? I don't understand.

HE.
I do.

SHE.
Ok.. so I love P.T. Anderson, Wes Anderson and Mitchell Gondry. Do you?

HE.
I've heard of them - but to be honest - when I go to the movies, I rarely pay attention to the credits. I'm sorry.

SHE.
You said you knew movies.

HE.
I know movies and titles and plots, but just not the people involved in them -the writers? Is that what those people do?

SHE.
Well - sort of. They sort of make their own movies, based from their own ideas a lot. So they're the writers, directors and producers.

HE.
So they're in charge of the whole -

SHE.
Yeah. Pretty much.

HE.
Huh. I can not even think of a time when I have stayed for the credits for any longer than it took to get to the stairs and go to the restroom.

SHE.
I always sit through the credits.

HE.
..Huh. Maybe I'll have to start.

SHE.
You should - you know, all those people work incredibly hard to make those films on a small budget. You can at least pay them some respects by waiting until the whole thing is over.

HE.
I guess so.

SHE.
Without them, the movie wouldn't even exist. And even though they're not there to see you sitting there, reading their names -there's still something wonderful to know that all across the country, people are sitting, reading the names and paying some tribute to the people who worked hard on those films.

HE.
I see your point. More people should do that.

pause. She looks in her magazine.

SHE.
Ugh. Can you believe this? It's like she doesn't even care her nipple is showing.

He looks over. He nods. He contemplates for a moment.

HE.
Did you know in New York City it is completely legal for a woman to walk around topless?

SHE.
What?

HE.
Yes. I-I've never seen it, or really looked for it - but right now, if we were in New York and wanted to - you could take off your shirt, and bra? If you're wearing a - I haven't tried to look - uh - no one would arrest you. If you wanted to be topless. I guess you could do that anywhere. Like a tree falling in the woods, right? He waits a moment for a reaction to his half-joke, half-flirting. I'm just kidding. I mean, it's legal - but like what I was implying by saying it. It was a joke. I'm not expecting - or asking - you to. Take off your shirt.

She smiles meekly at him.

HE.
Have you ever been on television?

SHE.
Once - my high school was flooded and they thought it was a senior prank, so they interviewed me for the news.

HE.
Was it?

SHE.
I don't know, I was only a junior then. They thought I was a senior.

HE.
Oh! What did you say?

SHE.
That I didn't know.

HE.
I had a similar experience in high school. I worked for a grocery store - where I started in the dairy department but was then moved to grocery bagging up front. I think it was because a security camera caught me with my hand in my pants - it wasn't what you're thinking - I wasn't - doing anything! I was doing that because it seemed like something someone would do.

SHE.
Who?

HE.
I don't know -it's my impression of something someone might do at some point. And I thought I would do it, too.

SHE.
But no one in particular?

HE.
I don't know - maybe not. It was just to experience being that person who does that. Maybe nobody would do that, but I was sixteen and thought at the time someone might.

SHE.
How is that like my story?

HE.
Sorry - it's not. But the part that is was on my seventeenth birthday. For it the managers gave me a card.

SHE.
Uh huh.

HE.
And a scratch off lottery ticket.

pause.

SHE.
Ok...?

HE.
They thought I was eighteen. I was only seventeen.

She.
Oh. She forces a chuckle.

HE.
I've never been on TV.

She closes her magazine and stairs out for a few moments.

SHE.
Have you ever thought that if the aliens ever come to Earth, or Martians or whatever - that they could so easily recreate every bit of humanity through film?

HE.
No?

SHE.
Since the invention of the camera, we have basically documented everything. From the news, films, home movies-

HE.
Porn. I mean - the human body is well-documented in pornography.

SHE.
not dismissive or condescending.
Right - yeah. I'd like to do a show about that. I take the footage taken for every street in some random city in America and loop them all together to have on long video of the whole place. And maybe set it in the future and past at the same time.

HE.
I like your ideas, they are very creative.

SHE.
Thank you - I spend a lot of time thinking about the art I'd like to create.

HE.
Me too - I mean, about the things I personally would like to accomplish.

SHE.
And what are those - what does Roger want to accomplish?

HE.
Well, I would like to make more money -

SHE.
You and every one else.

HE.
And I would like to make more friends -

SHE.
That's not always as great as it sounds.

HE.
And I would like to go on more dates.

SHE.
You and me both.

HE.
And not just one-time dates. Dates where I can get to know someone - like in a movie. Where we share things.

SHE.
You read my mind.

HE.
And maybe be more romantic.

She nods, looks out. He opens his book to a random page, picks a sentence and reads it aloud.

HE.
And I'd like to take you to dinner - while we're both in town.

SHE.
What?

HE.
Dinner. Let me take you to dinner. And maybe a movie, if anything is playing.

SHE.
Roger -

HE.
-Jane. I think we have a lot in common and nothing could be more enjoyable than continuing this conversation over dinner. Just a simple date with someone interesting. No strings attached. I won't even ask for your email or phone number.

SHE.
Roger - I can't. I'm with someone. At home.

HE.
A boyfriend?

SHE.
Actually - I'm married. I got married younger than most do. I'm sorry.

She shows him the ring that has been on her finger the whole time. He nods and smiles. Pleasant. He opens his book and begins reading it again. She watches him for a moment, then looks back out. The stage is black.