Standing naked.
A woman sits at her desk. She is any age between 25 and 35. She types at a computer or wastes time on the internet. The sound of a shower being turned on.
MAN offstage.
Oh god!
A man walks behind the woman. he is a little wet and nude.
WOMAN.
Cold?
MAN.
We need a better water heater. The super should know.
WOMAN.
We asked them last year and they said until it breaks, they won't do anything.
MAN.
I hate this. I need to go.
WOMAN.
Where? What are you doing?
MAN.
I meant to go down the street and get coffee.
WOMAN.
Why not just do it before the shower?
MAN.
I can't do that.
WOMAN.
Why not?
MAN.
I need to wash off the film of yesterday off my body. And I was planning on working while there.
WOMAN.
I don't understand you.
MAN.
It's gross. I feel oily and stinky.
WOMAN turning around.
Just put on som-
She sees him standing there in the nude. He stands a little awkwardly, with his hands covering his privates a little.
WOMAN.
- you hiding something?
MAN.
What? No.
He pulls his hands away and they stare at each other for a moment.
WOMAN.
Do you think the water is warm yet?
MAN.
I'll check.
He leaves.
MAN offstage.
Care to join me?
She begins typing again. He releases a scream, because the water is icy. He returns, a little more wet.
MAN.
Still cold.
WOMAN.
I see. Listen to this - we can get a flight, hotel and rental for weekend trip to Las Vegas for about three hundred.
MAN.
Each?
WOMAN.
Yes, each.
MAN.
I don't know. When would we go?
WOMAN.
January.
MAN.
Ok. Can I think about it?
WOMAN.
It probably won't last long.
MAN.
The deal?
WOMAN.
Yes.
MAN.
Oh.
She turns to look at him. He stands there looking at her.
MAN.
Do you want to get a dog?
WOMAN.
I-
MAN.
Not necessarily today or anything - but at some point in the future.
WOMAN.
If we get a dog we have to have someone sit for us while we're in Las Vegas.
MAN.
If we go to Las Vegas. You don't even like gambling.
WOMAN.
Yeah, but we can do other things. See shows.
MAN.
Prostitution is legal there.
She stares at him.
MAN.
Or we could elope.
She laughs.
WOMAN.
Right.
He mumbles, "I love you" as he walks back toward the shower.
WOMAN.
What do you need to work on?
MAN offstage.
I need to write a bit.
WOMAN.
A play?
MAN offstage.
Yeah. I have an idea about writing a play about a couple who lives together.
WOMAN.
Oh.
She turns back to the computer.
MAN offstage.
He only has one leg, but it's not about that.
There is a loud banging.
MAN offstage.
What did you say?
WOMAN.
Nothing. I think that was a neighbor telling us to quiet down.
MAN.
Oh.
He reenters.
MAN.
But the play - yeah, it's not about how he only has one leg.
WOMAN.
I heard you the first time.
MAN.
It's going to be about how their lives are missing something.
WOMAN feigning interest.
Oh.
MAN.
I really just need to sit down and plot it out. It's hard to write about conversation, with little action.
WOMAN.
Hm.
She turns around and looks at him. The stare for a minute.
WOMAN.
Water still cold?
MAN.
It's luke warm. I need it to be hot.
WOMAN.
Ah.
MAN.
If you had the choice to have one outfit to wear for the next ten years, but you had like, twenty copies of it in your closet would you do it?
WOMAN.
What? That didn't even make sense.
MAN.
Let's say you have the choice to dress as you do now, or where only one outfit, like a uniform, for the next ten years, which would you choose?
WOMAN.
I'd like to be able to wear different things.
MAN.
Me too. But I like the idea of not having to think about what I'm going to wear. I sometimes wonder if I have like, a hundred though points and each time I make a decision I use up those points. Small decisions like what to wear or what to eat are worth only a few points - but bigger ones like how much to pay on my credit card bill this month are worth much more.
WOMAN.
Huh.
MAN.
You're really pretty.
WOMAN.
Thanks.
He goes back to the shower. And returns quickly.
MAN.
It's cold again. This is ridiculous.
WOMAN.
Then call the super.
MAN.
Yeah. I don't know - I don't want to annoy him. And what if other people are using the hot water and there's nothing wrong with it.
WOMAN.
Then don't call the super.
MAN.
Next time it happens I'll call.
WOMAN.
Ok.
MAN.
Maybe I'll just heat up some water in the stove and sponge myself off in the bathroom.
WOMAN.
Sick. Don't do that. Just put some deodorant on and shower later.
MAN.
I can't do that - I need to feel clean. Or I feel out of sorts all day.
WOMAN.
Are you still naked?
MAN.
You'll have to turn around to find out.
WOMAN.
I'm not turning around.
MAN.
Then you won't find out.
WOMAN.
You are. I know you. And you are.
He shrugs and says nothing for a moment.
MAN.
Maybe we should buy a new water heater.
WOMAN.
What? Do you know how expensive those are?
MAN.
No. Are they?
WOMAN.
Yes.
MAN.
How expensive?
WOMAN.
I don't know - but I do know they are. Besides the super should take care of it.
MAN.
Would you like to help me sponge off?
WOMAN.
No.
MAN.
Ok.
He stands for a moment.
I think I'll name the characters Matt and Susie.
WOMAN.
Ok.
He leaves for the bathroom again.
MAN offstage.
Finally! It's hot now.
She turns to look. She walks to the kitchen. The turning and starting of a faucet can also be heard. The man screams.
MAN offstage.
Jesus! Fuck! Again?!
The shower is turned off. The man can be heard muttering. The woman runs back to her chair. The man, wet and toweled walks into the room with the computer with a large wrench. He stops, the towel falls off. He picks it up and wraps it around himself. He leaves. A large clanging is heard.
Lights fade.
A woman sits at her desk. She is any age between 25 and 35. She types at a computer or wastes time on the internet. The sound of a shower being turned on.
MAN offstage.
Oh god!
A man walks behind the woman. he is a little wet and nude.
WOMAN.
Cold?
MAN.
We need a better water heater. The super should know.
WOMAN.
We asked them last year and they said until it breaks, they won't do anything.
MAN.
I hate this. I need to go.
WOMAN.
Where? What are you doing?
MAN.
I meant to go down the street and get coffee.
WOMAN.
Why not just do it before the shower?
MAN.
I can't do that.
WOMAN.
Why not?
MAN.
I need to wash off the film of yesterday off my body. And I was planning on working while there.
WOMAN.
I don't understand you.
MAN.
It's gross. I feel oily and stinky.
WOMAN turning around.
Just put on som-
She sees him standing there in the nude. He stands a little awkwardly, with his hands covering his privates a little.
WOMAN.
- you hiding something?
MAN.
What? No.
He pulls his hands away and they stare at each other for a moment.
WOMAN.
Do you think the water is warm yet?
MAN.
I'll check.
He leaves.
MAN offstage.
Care to join me?
She begins typing again. He releases a scream, because the water is icy. He returns, a little more wet.
MAN.
Still cold.
WOMAN.
I see. Listen to this - we can get a flight, hotel and rental for weekend trip to Las Vegas for about three hundred.
MAN.
Each?
WOMAN.
Yes, each.
MAN.
I don't know. When would we go?
WOMAN.
January.
MAN.
Ok. Can I think about it?
WOMAN.
It probably won't last long.
MAN.
The deal?
WOMAN.
Yes.
MAN.
Oh.
She turns to look at him. He stands there looking at her.
MAN.
Do you want to get a dog?
WOMAN.
I-
MAN.
Not necessarily today or anything - but at some point in the future.
WOMAN.
If we get a dog we have to have someone sit for us while we're in Las Vegas.
MAN.
If we go to Las Vegas. You don't even like gambling.
WOMAN.
Yeah, but we can do other things. See shows.
MAN.
Prostitution is legal there.
She stares at him.
MAN.
Or we could elope.
She laughs.
WOMAN.
Right.
He mumbles, "I love you" as he walks back toward the shower.
WOMAN.
What do you need to work on?
MAN offstage.
I need to write a bit.
WOMAN.
A play?
MAN offstage.
Yeah. I have an idea about writing a play about a couple who lives together.
WOMAN.
Oh.
She turns back to the computer.
MAN offstage.
He only has one leg, but it's not about that.
There is a loud banging.
MAN offstage.
What did you say?
WOMAN.
Nothing. I think that was a neighbor telling us to quiet down.
MAN.
Oh.
He reenters.
MAN.
But the play - yeah, it's not about how he only has one leg.
WOMAN.
I heard you the first time.
MAN.
It's going to be about how their lives are missing something.
WOMAN feigning interest.
Oh.
MAN.
I really just need to sit down and plot it out. It's hard to write about conversation, with little action.
WOMAN.
Hm.
She turns around and looks at him. The stare for a minute.
WOMAN.
Water still cold?
MAN.
It's luke warm. I need it to be hot.
WOMAN.
Ah.
MAN.
If you had the choice to have one outfit to wear for the next ten years, but you had like, twenty copies of it in your closet would you do it?
WOMAN.
What? That didn't even make sense.
MAN.
Let's say you have the choice to dress as you do now, or where only one outfit, like a uniform, for the next ten years, which would you choose?
WOMAN.
I'd like to be able to wear different things.
MAN.
Me too. But I like the idea of not having to think about what I'm going to wear. I sometimes wonder if I have like, a hundred though points and each time I make a decision I use up those points. Small decisions like what to wear or what to eat are worth only a few points - but bigger ones like how much to pay on my credit card bill this month are worth much more.
WOMAN.
Huh.
MAN.
You're really pretty.
WOMAN.
Thanks.
He goes back to the shower. And returns quickly.
MAN.
It's cold again. This is ridiculous.
WOMAN.
Then call the super.
MAN.
Yeah. I don't know - I don't want to annoy him. And what if other people are using the hot water and there's nothing wrong with it.
WOMAN.
Then don't call the super.
MAN.
Next time it happens I'll call.
WOMAN.
Ok.
MAN.
Maybe I'll just heat up some water in the stove and sponge myself off in the bathroom.
WOMAN.
Sick. Don't do that. Just put some deodorant on and shower later.
MAN.
I can't do that - I need to feel clean. Or I feel out of sorts all day.
WOMAN.
Are you still naked?
MAN.
You'll have to turn around to find out.
WOMAN.
I'm not turning around.
MAN.
Then you won't find out.
WOMAN.
You are. I know you. And you are.
He shrugs and says nothing for a moment.
MAN.
Maybe we should buy a new water heater.
WOMAN.
What? Do you know how expensive those are?
MAN.
No. Are they?
WOMAN.
Yes.
MAN.
How expensive?
WOMAN.
I don't know - but I do know they are. Besides the super should take care of it.
MAN.
Would you like to help me sponge off?
WOMAN.
No.
MAN.
Ok.
He stands for a moment.
I think I'll name the characters Matt and Susie.
WOMAN.
Ok.
He leaves for the bathroom again.
MAN offstage.
Finally! It's hot now.
She turns to look. She walks to the kitchen. The turning and starting of a faucet can also be heard. The man screams.
MAN offstage.
Jesus! Fuck! Again?!
The shower is turned off. The man can be heard muttering. The woman runs back to her chair. The man, wet and toweled walks into the room with the computer with a large wrench. He stops, the towel falls off. He picks it up and wraps it around himself. He leaves. A large clanging is heard.
Lights fade.
posted by adam at 9:59 AM
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