The Very American Family Play by Pierre Pont Pierre


A diner in America. A father, a woman his age and a teenage daughter enter. They are all overweight and wear clothing that is slightly too small. The clothing fits American culture. I heart New York shirts, now stained and dirtied. Disneyland t-shirts. The father wears cowboy boots. The effect of costuming should not be to create a caricature of pop America, but more help to create a general theme of Americana tourism. Imagine a foreigner's impression of what USA is. How it would be described to friends and family back home. Mickey Mouse, Coca Cola, Nike, Baseball, Cowboys, Hard Rock Cafe.

A WAITRESS greets the family and leads them to their seats.

WAITRESS.
Welcome to Joe's. My name is Annie. Please sit at this booth.

The family sits. Their speech should be labored. The actors are Americans playing French actors playing American characters. Read that sentence again to make sure it sinks in. They do not speak with French accents by any means, but bad American accents. They overpronounce R's, have a slight "standard" southern dialect. All sentences have some stilted formality and contain no contractions or mumbling.

WAITRESS.
Can I get you all anything to drink?

GEORGE.
We will have a round of drinks, please.

DEE.
I would like to have a diet Coke, please.

MARTHA.
I will also have a diet Coke, please.

DEE.
I will have just water instead of Coke or diet Coke.

WAITRESS.
Coke, diet Coke, water. Coming right up.

GEORGE.
It is nice to be out of that rain storm.

MARTHA.
I thought it would flood the streets.

GEORGE.
I will tell you what, if it continues in this fashion we will need a boat to return to the hotel.

MARTHA laughs. DEE does not respond. They look at their menus. GEORGE reads aloud, to himself.

GEORGE.
Cheeseburger, pizza, BLT, Hamburger...

The others remain quiet.

GEORGE.
I think I will have a hamburger. What will you two have?

MARTHA.
I am thinking about having macaroni and cheese and perhaps a salad.

GEORGE.
That sounds very delicious. As a young boy I only ate macaroni and cheese when given the option. What is funny is this, my brother hated it. May he rest in peace.

MARTHA.
You have never mentioned your brother before. I am sorry he is deceased.

GEORGE.
He is not. I joke.

MARTHA.
Oh.. haha.

pause, the WAITRESS reenters.

WAITRESS.
Honey what can I serve you?

MARTHA.
I would like to eat.

GEORGE.
She will have a plate of macaroni and cheese. She (pointing at DEE) will have pizza. I will eat a hamburger, rarely done.

WAITRESS.
I will place this order for you.

WAITRESS leaves.

MARTHA.
George, Dee, look at what I have brought from the motel!

she pulls from her purse a disposable camera or an old camera.

GEORGE.
Oh! Ha-ha! A camera.

MARTHA.
Shall we take photos of ourselves?

GEORGE.
Let us just ask the waitress to take our picture.

DEE.
Father, no!

GEORGE.
It is fine. Excuse me. What was her name? I do not remember. Waitress!

The WAITRESS reenters.

Will you please take our picture?

WAITRESS.
Certainly.

GEORGE.
Great. Let us all get in close. Just press the button on the top. Actually it is a very complica-

The WAITRESS takes a picture as GEORGE reaches for the camera.

WAITRESS.
Is that correct?

GEORGE.
Yes, but I was not ready. Let us smile. Dee, hold up your menu so we can remember where we were. One, two, three.

DEE holds up the menu, the picture is taken.

GEORGE.
Now, Martha, you and Dee pose for a picture.

MARTHA tries to put her arm around DEE, but DEE avoids the arm.

MARTHA.
Smile, Dee.

GEORGE.
Alright? One... Two...

DEE.
Take the picture faster.

GEORGE.
I am going as fast as I can. One, two, three.

The WAITRESS takes a picture of MARTHA & DEE.

GEORGE.
Now me and Martha. One together and one kissing. One, two, three.

The WAITRESS takes the picture.

GEORGE.
One, two, three.

GEORGE kisses MARTHA on the cheek and the picture is taken.

GEORGE.
Now me and Dee. Dee, hold up the menu.

DEE.
Father -

GEORGE.
I am going to send this to our friends at home. You can use it for your memory books. One, two, three.

The picture is taken.

GEORGE.
Now, me and the waitress.

MARTHA (laughing).
George, no. Let us not bother her.

GEORGE.
Oh come now, she must be used to it. It is part of her job!

WAITRESS.
It is fine. I do not mind.

She hands the camera to MARTHA. She poses with GEORGE.

GEORGE.
One, two, three -

GEORGE leans over and kisses the WAITRESS on the cheek, MARTHA takes the picture and shakes her head at him as if he were a naughty boy. A bell rings.

WAITRESS.
That is likely to be your food.

WAITRESS leaves.

GEORGE.
I shall make some room for dinner.

GEORGE gets up and walks away.

MARTHA.
Dee, are there any attractions you were hoping to see while we vacation?

DEE.
No, I do not know.

MARTHA.
I was hoping to see the world's largest sun dial. Did you know that it is just a small short drive from the world's largest kachina (pronounced to sound like "vagina"). There is a lot of history here, did you know?

DEE.
No, I didn't.

There is a pause.

MARTHA.
Dee, this must be very hard for you.

DEE.
No, it is not.

MARTHA.
But I know most children would have a difficult time having four previous mothers.

DEE.
The women you speak of were step-mothers.

MARTHA.
Yes, I know. Is not a mother, a woman who cares for you and nurtures you? So if I become that for you, if this vacation goes well, I hope to be that very person for you. A mother.

A man in a business suit and briefcase enters. He uses a wireless ear piece for his phone on his upstage ear.

JIM.
Family, Jim. Family, that is who we need to market to. The families who can afford shoes. The families who have credit cards. I want you to picture a family of four with matching shoes. Not exact matches, though. A young boy has dark, bold colors, the daughter gets bright and cute shoes. The parents receive, yes, yes something sensible, verging on what they think is cool.

He speaks to the WAITRESS.

JIM.
Excuse me. One coffee, to go, please.

Jim opens his briefcase and pulls out a duffel bag. Inside the duffel bag is a tracksuit and a pair for shoes. He begins to disrobe and put his business suit in the briefcase, which will go in the duffel bag when he has changed. At the midway point of changing (i.e., with not clothes on), he should be completely nude, but at the moment of complete nudity, he steps behind a counter or some other object to censor his nakedness.

JIM.
No, not yet. I am just about to put them on now. I am telling you the truth when I say that comfort does not matter. It should look athletic, cute or comfortable. Correct. it is the idea that a family might run in them. They do not actually have to - correct. Almost. I am about to take a run in them now, but I am telling you, it does not matter. Yes, I am tying the laces. Well, it is easy. They are fine.

He puts his weight on to the shoes.

JIM.
Ok. You have a comfortable shoe, bud. What is in your soul? Can we drop it out and raise the overhead?

He should be reclothed again. He grabs his coffee, drops some coins down and heads to the door.

JIM.
Wow. Yes, they are nice. But I am telling you we can make more money if you - Yes. I am about to run now.

He sips his coffee and runs out the door. The sound of a toilet flushing. A fly zipping. A stall door opening and closing. A man humming. It stops, GEORGE reenters. He sits at the table and looks at one of his hands. He wipes it with a napkin. The WAITRESS brings the food.

GEORGE.
While I was in there I saw a little piece of graffiti. It was in very tiny writing so I had to lean forward to read it.

MARTHA.
What did it say?

GEORGE.
You are at a forty five degree angle.

MARTHA.
I do not get it.

GEORGE.
Nor do I.

DEE.
Father, can I have some money for the gift shop?

GEORGE.
Yes, Dee, you can.

He gives her ten dollars. She walks to a gift area, where the WAITRESS begins showing her some wares.

MARTHA.
George, how do you think this is going?

GEORGE.
It is only the second night of our vacation, but I think it is going well.

MARTHA.
I would very much like for Dee to like me as a friend and maybe a guardian later.

GEORGE.
It is my belief that she will. Or she will at least get used to you. My hamburger is cold. Is your food cold?

MARTHA.
I finished my food already. It had a fine temperature, though.

GEORGE.
I am sick of this - I know I am not paying much for this food, but - waitress! - but that does not mean I do not expect quality. After all, I am not the person who set the price on this food. Waitress?

The WAITRESS finishes her exchange with DEE and runs back to the table. DEE stands by the register and removes her shirt to put her new shirt on. She shows her breasts, full to the the audience. GEORGE and MARTHA don't notice.

WAITRESS.
Yes, sir. Is there something the matter with your meal?

GEORGE.
It is cold. It needs to be heated up. And it is too red. I would like a different burger and I do not think that is asking too much.

WAITRESS.
I apologize for -

GEORGE.
Yes, yes, go on and fix it.

WAITRESS.
Right away.

GEORGE.
Thank you.

DEE walks back over to the table. The shirt fits her better than the last shirt she was wearing, but it has an "offensive" statement on it. Something to the extent of "I went Carefree in Arizona and all I got was this fucking tshirt," or "Seattle does it in the rain," or it has pictures of animals having sex in different positions with "funny" names for each, or it's a shirt that shows a mostly naked female body on it.

GEORGE.
What is that?!

MARTHA.
Dee, what is on your shirt?

GEORGE.
Take that shirt off right now young lady!

DEE.
No, I like it.

GEORGE.
I did not give you that money so you could buy something like that!

DEE.
You never said I could not buy this shirt!

GEORGE.
It was assumed that you would not use those funds for anything so ill-fitting to your father's tastes.

DEE.
It was my money!

GEORGE.
No, it was my money. Now change your shirt!

DEE.
No! I like this shirt and I am going to wear it as much as I like!

GEORGE.
Take off that shirt, Dee!

MARTHA.
Maybe you should just listen to your father, Dee.

DEE.
I do not even know you. You are only here because George is here, Martha. Do not pretend to be any type of mother figure to me!

GEORGE.
Do not call her by name, nor me my own. My name is father or dad. I take care of you. I give you money to keep you clothed, fed and more!

DEE.
I have a job! I do not need your money!

GEORGE.
It is part-time. You are not ready yet for a full-time job. You are only a third year student of high school! As long as I take care of you, you must listen to the directions I give to you. What you cannot wear, where you cannot go, with whom you cannot be friends, where you cannot get money from!

DEE.
Fuck that!

GEORGE leaps and violently grabs the shirt DEE is wearing. He forcibly tries to remove the shirt.

MARTHA.
Geor- George?! What are you doing? Dee should listen, but George! George, please stop! You are hurting her!

GEORGE rips the shirt off of DEE. DEE gets a bloody nose. They stand apart. DEE staring at GEORGE. GEORGE looking at the table. They are heaving.

MARTHA.
George, she is bleeding. We should call the -

MARTHA motions toward a pay phone or exit. GEORGE firmly, but nonviolently, grabs her arm.

GEORGE.
No Martha, sit down. This is my family. I am in charge of it. You chose me. You chose to be with me. And I am in control. You chose me. You can leave - but this is still my family. So sit. This was your choice. Sit.

MARTHA sits.

DEE sits.

GEORGE sits. He looks at his menu.

GEORGE.
Hm. Apple pie. Dee? Martha? Would you like some apple pie a la mode?

The lights fade quickly.